How much do YOU treasure your friends?

やあ(￣○￣)/
So you guys might have been wondering, why do I have imaginary friends such as Sasaki-san and Momo-chan, huh? Maybe as a gamer, I've finally ran out of lives and became a loser with no life, so the only people who want to be my friends are my own imaginations?
I guess you're at least half right...

But recently, I've been really blue. I told you about my friend issue before, but now it got more serious.
Have you read Snow Flower And The Secret Fan? If not, you ought to. It's a beautifully written book about Chinese women's life in the past and more importantly, their friendship. Even though these times are so far from us, I'm sure all of us females can identify at least a little with the characters.
I will now write some spoilers, so please don't read them if you don't want to get your reading ruined:
Lily found that Snow Flower's background was far from what she was told. She was being lied to, because their LaoTong relationship was in fact made by Snow Flower's aunt (Mrs Wang if that's how you spell it) in order to make her future a little better (She married a butcher, who is a bit higher in the social ladder than a person such as, say, Lily's father). Snow Flower was afraid that Lily wouldn't want to continue their friendship anymore, but instead, Lily wanted to help her. She was a little pushy with her help, so Snow Flower wrote her a letter (in Nu Shu of course) in which it said "Please do not concern yourself with my well-being anymore. A sisterhood has offered me the understanding I need in order for you not to worry". Lily was indeed furious and she tried to erase Snow Flower from her life, but couldn't. In the end, it turned out that she misinterperted the meaning. She had thought that Snow Flower broke their bond and somewhat 'cheated' on her, by joining a sisterhood... In reality, three women in a sisterhood just supported her, because she was afraid not to concern Lily. This painful truth was something Lily didn't discover until her LaoTong's death.

I felt the same way Lily did when talking to my own friend (You remember? The one I told you before... The one I met online and kept withdrawing from me). In the same time, I was afraid that I was the one withdrawing from her, by misinterpereting what would be her own Nu Shu. I DID try to withdraw from her. I ignored the stuff she wrote, I even removed her from my IM contacts... But she just kept coming back. After all... She is my friend and I love her deeply, so it's not possible for me to ignore her for too long. So yesterday I decided to talk to her head on about it, hoping she would understand...
Well.... She tried to cheer me up, but in a way which was something like
Me: Maybe I haven't been a good enough friend... I'm so sorry, but it's good you have friends that understand you better now.
Friend: Maybe -My Other Friend- and I have more in common, so we have more to talk about and stuff... It's not like we don't, but it's just not the right things.
Which is pretty much another way of saying "Yes, she's a better friend than you are."
And then, when I was at the point where I was drowning in tears, she said "Sorry for not replying fast enough, but many people are writing and killing stuff in DOMO (the game she's playing and which is the main reason for this all)..." Which really hurt me.

Still, I realize she hurt me unintentionally, so I don't blame her at all. Maybe I'm too sensetive. I take friendships very far, I devote my feelings to my friends a lot...

Maybe it wouldn't have hurt me if I wasn't used to remembering all the small things friends say to me. I remember clearly that once the IM program both of us used stopped logging her in, so I had to download and use another one, because she was "too lazy to log in", but now she logs in for her DOMO friends all the time. Before I downloaded the new IM, she wrote to me on facebook chat and said "We've been out of touch... You're my best friend and I'm afraid of losing you..." and last year I sent her a gift for her birthday, which is in the end of autumn, so she wanted to return the favour and sent me a gift for Christmas, along with a letter I had to open on my birthday. I was curious, but I did open it. I have never shared it with anyone, but now I feel that it's ok. I can't find it, but I have to ask my mom, since she was cleaning up a lot and she might have put it somewhere else... But what I do remember is:

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me"

I remember that the first time I read it, I cried so many happy tears... She really touched me.

Right now, while searching for it, I found the other gifts and drawings she had sent me that time and once again, I was so deeply touched...

The funny thing is that we've never met in real life. Maybe I don't have a life at all, which is why I can get attached to online friends so much... Or maybe it's just that no one judges me online. Judgments are the thing that has made me an outcast in most cases...

So, what I want to say is:
You know who you are... If you're reading this right now, please forgive me. Maybe I never gave you enough attention, but kept on wanting it? I don't know. But I have and always will care deeply for you. If something should ever happen and you have no one else to turn to, I'll still be here. Even so, I hope you never feel the way I'm feeling now. I love you very much and I'm sorry for everything...

If you're one of my friends (be it online or a real one), please know that you are loved!

So this is why I made up Momo-chan and Sasaki-san. They give me hope when I'm alone. When I went to bed last night, I felt myself trembling and soon after I burst into tears. But they were there for me. I feel like that if no one else can support me, my own creations will help me get through it. Sometimes we fight....
But we still love each other very much...
So it's ok, I guess... Sometimes I feel lonely, but lately, I'm becoming more and more used to it...

Bye bye and thanks for reading >w<
~Sushi-tan (^o^)v